Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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