Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
