Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize