i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
