Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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