There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
