Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
