who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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