I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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