Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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