apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
