Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
