the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
