Redeem this text for a blowjob
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
