I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
