can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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