i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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