my sisters under your porch take her home
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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