I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
