My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
