My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
