I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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