I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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