Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
