i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
