We're like a lot better than the average bears
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
