You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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