what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
