The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
