I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
