ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
