he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
