When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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