I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
