Screwed.edu
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
