I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
