According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
