Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
