my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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