true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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