I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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