Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
