My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize