i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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