I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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