i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
