At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
