God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
