I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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