dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
tell me about the fingering
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
