I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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