i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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