Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize