dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
