even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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