dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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