You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
