The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
