Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
