Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
