My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
