did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Small penises have feelings too.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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