When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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