god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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